~continue~

The same night, we were instructed to follow two of the mercenaries who will take us to our plane. We brought together some supplies in case we have to sleep somewhere. Outside, the place is dark. Very quiet and it looked eerie. There were 18 of us including the mercenaries. We walked by pair. I was paired with a guy. Probably from some Europe country because he couldn't speak English that well. Quietly without trying to draw attraction, we walked towards the small road we took before. From there, we were instructed to switch off our flashlight and to walk in the dark. At first, it was very difficult as I wasn't used to it. After a few trippings, I managed to adjust just fine.

After walking for about 3 hours, mind you; my shoes were in a very bad condition; I felt very tired. We took a 30 minutes rest just to catch up some breath. Then, we continued our journey. After for quite sometime, I finally saw a small plane ahead of us. Thank God we will be gone from this country soon enough.

We hop into the plane and sat there waiting for the plane to take off. One of the mercenaries turned out to be a pilot as well. 20 minutes later, we finally took off. There was nothing can compare to what was I feeling at that time. I looked down the window, I saw the land; destructed.. destroyed.. demolished..

Finally I was out from the country. I looked around, all of them had a blank expression. Late shock. Must be thinking of what had happened before. I looked in front, waiting for the future lies ahead of me.

~the end~

I normally can block any nightmares so that I couldn't remember it. But I couldn't block this. When I woke up from my sleep, I thought I really had exprienced that. It was too real. I think I know what had triggered the nightmare. I just hope that I wouldn't be facing this type of nightmare again.

p/s: I actually continue sleep again after I woke up just in case the nightmare will continue. I so wants to know what happen with the girl I know.

~continue~

I waited for all the deads to be buried. Near me, the little boy was still screaming. The adults just kept quiet. Sobbing. Mourning. No other words that can described the emotions surrounding here. I just want to be safe. ALIVE. Could I be safe? I don't know. After that, we started to move. Aren't we lucky to have a few buses to bring us somewhere safe? I guess so. Just being alive I felt lucky. The bus moved slowly. I looked outside the window and there was just deserts. Nobody seems to be around. After been going through the ordeal, I felt tired. I fell asleep. My head lean towards the window. In my head I heard some whispers. I tried to make up the words but I failed. I heard a few words....pain.....sad.......my family.....my arms.....my legs......cruel......fate...... I woke up instantly. I tried to see who has been talking. Everyone seems to be asleep except the mercenaries. I think the words were just on my head. We were moving towards a harbour. It was so dark outside. I couldn't see much.

And then, I suddenly saw a flash light. I thought it was a thunder but it was not. Instead, it was something that was shot from a cable car. Oh no!! Not again. I don't want to go through this agony again. It hit a ship beside the harbour. Not once but three times. There were people on the ship. Imagining them couldn't run away from it made my head hurts more. I closed my eyes. I couldn't see. I pulled my leg up and just kept my head between my knees. The mercenaries didn't stop the bus. Maybe they knew that there was no point stopping because it might hurt us more. True to be told, I was glad that they didn't stop. But is that mean I was turning into a selfish person? I rocked my body. I cried solemnly. I couldn't lift my head. Inside the bus, it became noisy again. I don't want to listen to whatever they were saying. After a while the noise slowly faded. I guess they were too tired. Besides me, an old woman was looking at her pendant. Inside it, there was a picture. A little girl. I wanted to ask who is that but my voice seem to be stucked at my throat. The old woman looked too sad and I end up looked away. Looking out the window, it was dark outside. Not a single light. I had no idea where were we going. I was too tired and fell asleep again.

I woke up to see it was already morning. A new day. A new life. We were brought to the border of the country. I saw a lot of tents outside. Probably our place to stay for the time being. I drank my water. My stomach growled. I didn't eat much before the bombing start. Getting down the bus, we were brought to the biggest tent. They give us some foods. Actually just bread. Everyone was very hungry indeed. Quickly finishing my bread, the people there gave me a cleaner clothes to wear. After changing, I sat and looked around for familiar faces. I saw someone. She's a friend. She looked terrible but I guess I must be the same as well. We hugged each other and just sat quietly. She told me she lost both of her parents last week at a different bombing location. Both of us spent our day together. We heled each other, we helped other people.

At night, I was being called by one of the mercenaries. Since I was an outsider, they wanted to fly me out of the country as soon as possible with some other outsiders. I quickly agreed but how about the rest of the people? I asked them the question. They just told me; 'They are locals. This is their country. They have no other place to go. This is the safest place they can stay. We can't afford to fly everyone. our job is to bring outsiders and tourist out of the country. We just help them to be at a safe place out of humanity.' I absord their words quietly. But I couldn't leave my friend. She didn't have anyone else. But I have no choice. I promised to her that I'll do whatever I can to bring her out of this place.

~to be continued~

Yesterday I had a nightmare. Actually a few nightmares. This is the first time I'm able to remember my nightmares after for so long. I can remember every single details. Everything looked and sound so real. It's scary. So here's the story:

I was walking with a few people. Some of the people that I was close with. I walked passed a big school, and I suddenly looked up the sky because I heard some noise. I saw a bomb flying towards the school. And then "BAM". I was too shocked and I started screaming and ran away. There were too many flying debris around. I looked up the sky again and there was a huge stone flying towards me and a few other people. I screamed out loud and really ran for my life. I escaped it but some few smaller debris hit my legs. It was very painful. I continued running and running. And then I saw another bomb flying near us. It exploded near a bus just opposite the road. I was thrown by the blast. A lot of people were injured. Everywhere I heard cries. A lot of cires. None stop. Screams everywhere. I saw dead people. On the street. On the sand. On the grass. I looked around. I was dizzy. I've lost my voice to even scream. A few of the people that I know were injured. It wasn't as bad as others. But one of them was dead. DEAD. He was a friend. I'm sad. Totally sad. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even look at his body. I have no energy to move. I just sat there waiting for people to help. But everyone else was busy saving themselves or saving those people they know. I've made my decision. I stood up. After all, I still can walk. I walked, no, crawled towards the people that I know. Most of them still be able to walk. Those who can't, we carried them. We walked slowly towards a mercenary house nearby. Not nearby. It was at least 2-3 miles away. That was the nearest safest place. I felt dehydrated. I walked at slower pace. Slower and slower pace. Without me realising it, I totally lost them. I have no idea where they went. They were most probably way in front of me.

So I walked and walked non stop. There were other people walking alongside me. And suddenly everyone started running. I stumbled down. I looked at my feet. It looked bad. A lot of dried blood. I wondered why they ran. I've just realised somewhere further up front, there were a few mercenary buses. I've started to run as well. I felt very tired. I've been walking without water. After reaching the bus, a lot of people fighting for the water that the mercenaries gave out. I managed to get a bottle. I drank quarter of it. I need to save for my journey. I sat on the bus waiting for my turn to get medical attention. I looked around to see whether those people I know were somewhere around. But they weren't here. I've got worried about them. I wondered whether they've got captured. I sat silently for about 1 hour or so. I totally lost track of time. It's getting dark. Probably it's close to 7 pm.

Finally it's my turn to get some medical attention. It wasn't as bad as it looked. There were just some cuts and bruises. I need some stitches. God! It hurt like mad. I just can't stop crying. Praying silently, I want those people I know is safe somewhere. I never felt so alone like this before in my entire life. The terror. The sadness. The pain. The anger. The anguish. The hurt. I just wish everything turn out to be normal. As normal as can be. But I know it was not something that going to be happened. I looked outside. Chaos. Madly chaos. I pray to God, 'please save these people too!'. There was a child started screaming behind me. I turned around. The little boy was holding the mother with his little arms. The mother already lifeless. She just couldn't be saved. It was so sad. I asked God, 'Why do you let the woman die?'. I got no answer. I only heard more cries from the boy.  A man lifted up the boy from his mother. Brought him outside the bus to get some fresh air. But I was wondering, is there any fresh air left?. I sat numbly. I can't moved. It seems like I just lost my motivation to be alive. Two guys carried the dead mother outside. To be buried. With hundreds of other people.

~to be continued~

It's been a while since I wrote something here.

After been sick for almost 1 week, I finally fully recovered. I hated it when I am sick. I can't do anything much. I've lost a little bit of my weigh. For 3 days I've been eating bread only. I can't eat anything else because I felt like vomitting. I drank so much of 100 Plus. I've lost track how many bottles I've drank.

And work has been starting to catch up. Just too many things that I have to do. Sucky but that's life.

I can't wait for my long needed vacation. Still have 3 months plus to go. :)

Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You've done this wrong
It's too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I'm just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you

Here is where we both feel wrong
Tonight's your last chance to
Do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night
This is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong
So tie me up
And toss this key
'Cause for now we're living in this moment
And we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over

I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes

(chorus)

Your lungs have failed and they both stopped breathing
My heart is dead and its way past beating
Something has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but its all in your goodbyes
It's all in your goodbyes

Well look who's dying now
Slit wristless sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesnt matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
Never mattered anyway

In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes

(chorus)

Don't shake, i hate to see you tremble
Trembling you've lost your touch
Haven't you run so addicted

~Interprete this the way you want it~

A friend of mine asked me 'Why you always had a book in your bag and in your car?'

My answer would be, I just plain hate waiting. Unless I can talk to someone which is unlikely because I normally had to wait alone, I like to read to kill the time. At least I won't feel mad and restless because I had to wait for other people or when there's any traffic jam. I even placed a book in my dad's car just in case I'm too bored while sitting in his car. Frankly, just give me anything to read, I'll be happy enough to read.

I remember there was one day waiting for my mom to finish her work and I forgot to bring any book to read. I had to read The Sun newspaper to waste my time. I remember reading every single advertisement and classified available until there's nothing else to read. I even read all the fine prints. I just got obsessive on reading sometimes. I don't mind eating alone as long as I have a book with me.

I can't just simply shut my brain from working. So, reading provides some distractions to it. At least it will prevent me from getting crazy thinking about other things that are not necessary for me to think. Oh, and I got to visit all those 'la-la lands'. ;p

Sometimes my mom is driving me nuts for asking me what I want to do with all the books. And everytime I have to explain to her that most of the books were rented from a store. I hardly buy any book actually because it's a waste of money because most of the time I'll read only once and I read too fast. If 1 day I can read 3 books if I have time, then 1 month I end up reading 90 books. If I buy all the books, there gone all my salary. Enough with spending 200-300 for rented books.

Oh, and I have been practising with my fast reading skill. Still getting used to it.

Today marks the last day of 2008. Here comes 2009.

Looking back in 2008, so many things happened. Happy things. Sad things. Achieving some of my goals. It could be better but hey, let's save the rest for next year.

This year relatively been okay for me. It's not so bad with the exception of a few things that I wished do not happen at all but I can't be too choosy, can I? And definitely hoping for the best in 2009.

Let me see what I want to do in 2009........

a) Travel more. This will definitely happen. Planning for additional trip besides China/Hong Kong trip and Jakarta/Bandung trip.
b) Be happy.
c) Save money. This is quite unlikely. Haha so much things to buy and spend.
d) Buy a new camera. So this definitely eliminate the third goal.

I am still thinking what else I want to do for the coming year. But, i'll write more about it next time. (If I really want to write here of course!)

Fall for you - Secondhand Serenade

The best thing about tonight's
That we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been
This way before
I know you don't think
That I am trying
I know you're wearing
Thin down to the core

Chorus:
But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you
Is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Oh

(Chorus)

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you
Is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you
Is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is soooo sweet.

Wouldn't you just love karma? What goes around comes around.

One day, I talked to someone who doesn't believe in karma. But whether the person wants to look it as a karma or as a destiny or as a fate or whatver terms you called it, it happens all the time.

So, I am a believer. Something happens for a reason. Something bad happens for a reason. Something good happens for a reason. Whenever something bad happen to me, I'll look at it at the bright side. God creates the path for us to choose. Yes, it's destiny, but we still can create our own destiny.

I scared to do bad things to other people. I scared I'll get the consequences. I see that happened everytime. It's not that I pray for bad things to happen to anyone who did injustice to me. But it just happen. God pays the consequences by cash. Hell and heaven are just the matter of completion.

I would have never thought something that I subconsciously wished for really happened. I feel bad because back in my mind, I was wishing things for that person will go wrong. I know I'm being mean. I just can't help it. God, please forgive me.

But whatever it is, I just love karma. It makes you think before you do something. So I am a great believer.

Well, wishing myself congratulation for completing CPA.

Finally I'm done. No more study leave. No more annual leave to be wasted. When I took annual leave on top of study leave, I don't study. So it is a waste.

Finally I can have a proper holiday.