~peace_love~

Changing direction

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 05:09:12 GMT

These few weeks had made me think whether I'm happy or not with current conditions. Well, no, and I am almost reaching to the point that I feel bored with what am I doing. But I'm still leaning towards staying for another 2 years before really deciding what am I going to do in the future. I am not going to end up somewhere in account/finance dept with all those usual routines that most probably made me kill myself. I hope that I won't eat my words back but I wouldn't really mind doing the same thing as what am I doing now but not at the same place. But I really prefer if I could do something different entirely.

Anyway, there's a few options that I may likely to venture. Actuary is one side or I'll go for the management side. I like to meet people, talk to them so that must be taken into serious thought. But I'm still thinking. Sigh. What's good for me?

p/s: If I really do change my direction, I guess some people might be shocked.

Get to know yourself better

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:30:15 GMT

I went to this website http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx to take the test of getting to know myself better. So here's my result:

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

American Idol Season 8

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 05:53:18 GMT

Yay. It's back. I missed some of the auditions but now it's down to top 36. I love Adam Lambert :) and Danny Gokey :)

Too bad Michael Castro couln't make it. Do it next year buddy.

edit @ 20th Feb: I'm glad Danny made it through to the Final 12. You rock!!!! Can't wait for Group 2. Come on Adam, you're next. I'm seeing you both to at least make it to Top 4. (I want to say my Top 2 but I don't know how's this year voting trend would be).

edit @ 27th Feb: I'm so glad for you Adam for making it through. And I'm glad that Nick/Norman didn't make it.

25 random things

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:33:56 GMT

Here at last is the 25 random things about me after been tagged by I forgot how many of them.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

and my list:

1. I have a different life in my dream. I've been living with that since I was small. If other people like to daydream, I don't need to do that because if I sleep, i'll dream about it..and if I'm desperate enough, I could dream about my exam results, football results..too bad i couldn't dream about exam questions.. If I dream about the same thing 3 times, it will happen in real life.

2. My dream ambition is to be a F1 driver. Haha as if that will happen. But I have never watch any race in Sepang before because it's just freaking hot.

3. I've decided that one day I'm going to visit Santiago Bernab�u Stadium so I have to start saving money for the trip.

4. I can be quite selfish. I don't like to share things with other people. With the exception of food. Haha I wouldn't mind sharing the food since most of the time I couldn't finish it anyway.

5. All this while I always thought that I'm working in the wrong industry. Even my mom said so. I'm doing what I'm doing right now is because I'm just too lazy to study for exams last time (blame to the inability to dream about exam questions). This is called taking the easy way out.

6. I am stubborn most of the time. Once I've decided something important, it's unlikely for me to change it. Not even my parents. They failed to do that.

7. I'm pretty obsess with numbers and patterns. There are always some patterns revolving a person. If you sit beside me, and you tell me all the numbers that relates to you, I would probably come out with something.

8. During college, we had this English paper research on certain topics and at that time, I chose the topic of witchcraft. I'm quite into that particular subject with all the mysteries behind it. Oh don't worry, I don't practice it.

9. I love reading and watching anything to do with detectives. From novels to drama series to movies to anime to manga. So my favourites drama series would be Criminal Minds, Numb3rs, all the CSIs, Sherlock Holmes, Detective Conan, Kindaichi and the list goes on.

10. And I seriously do not watch One Tree Hill or Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives or whatever else. So it's a waste of time if you start talking to me about those series. But I do read those chick/romance novels.

11. At home, the tv remote control is mine. It's MINE unless I don't feel like watching tv.

12. I like to watch almost all the sports available in the planet with the exception of baseball, cricket or any sports that involves bats and throwing balls.

13. I like the smell of rain, books and new money. Nothing beats that.

14. My level of concentration is low. Very low in fact. I get bored very very fast. During school and college. That's why I always think that Malaysian education system is sucks. If I were a bad student, I would probably skipp all the class. It's just a waste of time because I prefer to study on my own. Too bad my mom didn't realise this about me since I was young. Or not, I could just get a home school.

15. The fact that I could tolerate my school life and college life is because the friends I have there. But anyhow, I'm still proud of my school.

16. I was forced to go to tuition class by my parents although it's a waste of money. I tend to skip the classes. If not the whole period, I'll skip 1 period. Math was the most period I skipped during tuition. I skipped tuition class just to watch World Cup before back in 2002. Just to watch Brazil vs England.

17. I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. There's always the consequences of your action.

18. I love to sleep. I can sleep anytime I want. Nowadays, sleep is so precious that I really treasure it.

19. I try to avoid foods that would not do good to my brain and memory. I'm worried that I'll get Alzheimer one day so I'm trying to avoid that.

20. I'm a night owl. The earliest I go to sleep every night is at 12 am. That if I'm too tired. Normal days, I would sleep around 2-3 am everyday. Although it seems that I wouldn't have enough sleep, I'll recover it back during weekends.

21. I like to listen to the guitar sounds which is why I always prefer listening to bands instead of the solo artist. I don't really give a damn if their voice are sucky, as long as they play good music (to my ear only), I'm okay with it.

22. I read a lot and I read quite fast. I hardly buy books. I normally rent the books I'm gonna read. Even that took up 200-300 of my money every months. Rent for a book normally cost me around 1-6 bucks per book. So do the calculation.

23. See number 3, I'm a big big fan of Real Madrid. Take note that I like Real Madrid not because of Beckham. I hate it when people thought otherwise. I like Real Madrid waaayyyyyy before that. And soory, I always thought that Spainish La Liga is better than the EPL.

24. I like teddy bears a lot since I was a small kid. I was never a fan of baby dolls and barbie stuff. If you see my old Kancil, you'll see the car is full of small teddy bears.

25. Finally the last one, I can write with both hands. But I couldn't draw much. I should have practice before.

Finally I'm done and I tagged whoever is reading it.

venting

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:09:05 GMT

It doesn't matter what you do
People already know the real you
You can run but you can't hide
No one want to be on your side

I can feel my heartbeat racing
or listening to my sighing
and I'm tired of pretending
Talking, smiling and laughing

Can't you see people are running
Far, far away from you
They think you are disgusting
Too bad it doesn't seem like that to you

I admit that I'm just a fool for you
But it doesn't matter anyway
You just a fool too
No matter what you do, what you say

Happy Chinese New Year!! Gong Xi Fa Cai

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 07:09:56 GMT

Here's the outlook for 2009 for those who were born in the year of OX.

Ox Overview

The Ox can do well this year through steady progress. There may be a number of experiences that will provide great joy for the Ox. One area, in particular, is the Ox's personal life. You may see an addition to the family. You will be surrounded by those who care. Look for the early summer months to attend many social occasions, providing many new faces in your social circle. One area of focus is to be open to the advice of others, as you tend to keep your issues to yourself. Overall, your own year can be one that you will look back on with pride and a genuine sense of achievement.

Ox Rating

52% (3 favorable 5 neutral and 4 unfavorable months)

Ox Career

In 2009, the Oxen will be given many opportunities to further your plans and goals, as well as consolidate your position. Steady progress is the position where the Ox is most comfortable and that is where you will find yourself this year. You will also have a chance to impress and gain support from those around you. This is a good year to enhance your skills and add to your repertoire with added training or study. You will be satisfied in knowing that anything you do this year will repay you in this year and the years to come. The months of May, late August and September may mark a change in your career.

Ox Relationships

2009 will be a year of personal happiness. For the single Ox, there may be a chance to engage in new and meaningful friendships, romance, and possibly even marriage. Others will take comfort in their domestic and social lives. Being an Ox year, this is one that will provide enjoyment for you as long as you allow it. Beware of your strong will and do not allow any minor disagreements to escalate and put a damper on a fine year. May is a month that will highly favor a chance meeting or a heightened level in a relationship.

Ox Health

Health matters don't seem to be too much of a concern for the Ox this year, as you are good at implementing some sort of physical activity into your routine. The Ox's discipline does well to carry over into your health. It never hurts to find ways to improve in this area, so don't discount anything that will improve the quality of your life. Even though there may not be any large issues, stress can be a surmounting factor to be aware.

Ox Wealth

The Ox could enjoy an improvement financially, but you may face a number of large expenses over the year. To maneuver your budget through the year of the Ox, exercise care and sensible spending. It would be wise to seek professional advice when it comes to any speculative ventures or risky investments that create some sense of doubt.

Nightmare - Part 3

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 06:47:42 GMT

~continue~

The same night, we were instructed to follow two of the mercenaries who will take us to our plane. We brought together some supplies in case we have to sleep somewhere. Outside, the place is dark. Very quiet and it looked eerie. There were 18 of us including the mercenaries. We walked by pair. I was paired with a guy. Probably from some Europe country because he couldn't speak English that well. Quietly without trying to draw attraction, we walked towards the small road we took before. From there, we were instructed to switch off our flashlight and to walk in the dark. At first, it was very difficult as I wasn't used to it. After a few trippings, I managed to adjust just fine.

After walking for about 3 hours, mind you; my shoes were in a very bad condition; I felt very tired. We took a 30 minutes rest just to catch up some breath. Then, we continued our journey. After for quite sometime, I finally saw a small plane ahead of us. Thank God we will be gone from this country soon enough.

We hop into the plane and sat there waiting for the plane to take off. One of the mercenaries turned out to be a pilot as well. 20 minutes later, we finally took off. There was nothing can compare to what was I feeling at that time. I looked down the window, I saw the land; destructed.. destroyed.. demolished..

Finally I was out from the country. I looked around, all of them had a blank expression. Late shock. Must be thinking of what had happened before. I looked in front, waiting for the future lies ahead of me.

~the end~

I normally can block any nightmares so that I couldn't remember it. But I couldn't block this. When I woke up from my sleep, I thought I really had exprienced that. It was too real. I think I know what had triggered the nightmare. I just hope that I wouldn't be facing this type of nightmare again.

p/s: I actually continue sleep again after I woke up just in case the nightmare will continue. I so wants to know what happen with the girl I know.

Nightmare - Part 2

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 09:39:21 GMT

~continue~

I waited for all the deads to be buried. Near me, the little boy was still screaming. The adults just kept quiet. Sobbing. Mourning. No other words that can described the emotions surrounding here. I just want to be safe. ALIVE. Could I be safe? I don't know. After that, we started to move. Aren't we lucky to have a few buses to bring us somewhere safe? I guess so. Just being alive I felt lucky. The bus moved slowly. I looked outside the window and there was just deserts. Nobody seems to be around. After been going through the ordeal, I felt tired. I fell asleep. My head lean towards the window. In my head I heard some whispers. I tried to make up the words but I failed. I heard a few words....pain.....sad.......my family.....my arms.....my legs......cruel......fate...... I woke up instantly. I tried to see who has been talking. Everyone seems to be asleep except the mercenaries. I think the words were just on my head. We were moving towards a harbour. It was so dark outside. I couldn't see much.

And then, I suddenly saw a flash light. I thought it was a thunder but it was not. Instead, it was something that was shot from a cable car. Oh no!! Not again. I don't want to go through this agony again. It hit a ship beside the harbour. Not once but three times. There were people on the ship. Imagining them couldn't run away from it made my head hurts more. I closed my eyes. I couldn't see. I pulled my leg up and just kept my head between my knees. The mercenaries didn't stop the bus. Maybe they knew that there was no point stopping because it might hurt us more. True to be told, I was glad that they didn't stop. But is that mean I was turning into a selfish person? I rocked my body. I cried solemnly. I couldn't lift my head. Inside the bus, it became noisy again. I don't want to listen to whatever they were saying. After a while the noise slowly faded. I guess they were too tired. Besides me, an old woman was looking at her pendant. Inside it, there was a picture. A little girl. I wanted to ask who is that but my voice seem to be stucked at my throat. The old woman looked too sad and I end up looked away. Looking out the window, it was dark outside. Not a single light. I had no idea where were we going. I was too tired and fell asleep again.

I woke up to see it was already morning. A new day. A new life. We were brought to the border of the country. I saw a lot of tents outside. Probably our place to stay for the time being. I drank my water. My stomach growled. I didn't eat much before the bombing start. Getting down the bus, we were brought to the biggest tent. They give us some foods. Actually just bread. Everyone was very hungry indeed. Quickly finishing my bread, the people there gave me a cleaner clothes to wear. After changing, I sat and looked around for familiar faces. I saw someone. She's a friend. She looked terrible but I guess I must be the same as well. We hugged each other and just sat quietly. She told me she lost both of her parents last week at a different bombing location. Both of us spent our day together. We heled each other, we helped other people.

At night, I was being called by one of the mercenaries. Since I was an outsider, they wanted to fly me out of the country as soon as possible with some other outsiders. I quickly agreed but how about the rest of the people? I asked them the question. They just told me; 'They are locals. This is their country. They have no other place to go. This is the safest place they can stay. We can't afford to fly everyone. our job is to bring outsiders and tourist out of the country. We just help them to be at a safe place out of humanity.' I absord their words quietly. But I couldn't leave my friend. She didn't have anyone else. But I have no choice. I promised to her that I'll do whatever I can to bring her out of this place.

~to be continued~

Nightmare - Part 1

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 03:39:39 GMT

Yesterday I had a nightmare. Actually a few nightmares. This is the first time I'm able to remember my nightmares after for so long. I can remember every single details. Everything looked and sound so real. It's scary. So here's the story:

I was walking with a few people. Some of the people that I was close with. I walked passed a big school, and I suddenly looked up the sky because I heard some noise. I saw a bomb flying towards the school. And then "BAM". I was too shocked and I started screaming and ran away. There were too many flying debris around. I looked up the sky again and there was a huge stone flying towards me and a few other people. I screamed out loud and really ran for my life. I escaped it but some few smaller debris hit my legs. It was very painful. I continued running and running. And then I saw another bomb flying near us. It exploded near a bus just opposite the road. I was thrown by the blast. A lot of people were injured. Everywhere I heard cries. A lot of cires. None stop. Screams everywhere. I saw dead people. On the street. On the sand. On the grass. I looked around. I was dizzy. I've lost my voice to even scream. A few of the people that I know were injured. It wasn't as bad as others. But one of them was dead. DEAD. He was a friend. I'm sad. Totally sad. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even look at his body. I have no energy to move. I just sat there waiting for people to help. But everyone else was busy saving themselves or saving those people they know. I've made my decision. I stood up. After all, I still can walk. I walked, no, crawled towards the people that I know. Most of them still be able to walk. Those who can't, we carried them. We walked slowly towards a mercenary house nearby. Not nearby. It was at least 2-3 miles away. That was the nearest safest place. I felt dehydrated. I walked at slower pace. Slower and slower pace. Without me realising it, I totally lost them. I have no idea where they went. They were most probably way in front of me.

So I walked and walked non stop. There were other people walking alongside me. And suddenly everyone started running. I stumbled down. I looked at my feet. It looked bad. A lot of dried blood. I wondered why they ran. I've just realised somewhere further up front, there were a few mercenary buses. I've started to run as well. I felt very tired. I've been walking without water. After reaching the bus, a lot of people fighting for the water that the mercenaries gave out. I managed to get a bottle. I drank quarter of it. I need to save for my journey. I sat on the bus waiting for my turn to get medical attention. I looked around to see whether those people I know were somewhere around. But they weren't here. I've got worried about them. I wondered whether they've got captured. I sat silently for about 1 hour or so. I totally lost track of time. It's getting dark. Probably it's close to 7 pm.

Finally it's my turn to get some medical attention. It wasn't as bad as it looked. There were just some cuts and bruises. I need some stitches. God! It hurt like mad. I just can't stop crying. Praying silently, I want those people I know is safe somewhere. I never felt so alone like this before in my entire life. The terror. The sadness. The pain. The anger. The anguish. The hurt. I just wish everything turn out to be normal. As normal as can be. But I know it was not something that going to be happened. I looked outside. Chaos. Madly chaos. I pray to God, 'please save these people too!'. There was a child started screaming behind me. I turned around. The little boy was holding the mother with his little arms. The mother already lifeless. She just couldn't be saved. It was so sad. I asked God, 'Why do you let the woman die?'. I got no answer. I only heard more cries from the boy. A man lifted up the boy from his mother. Brought him outside the bus to get some fresh air. But I was wondering, is there any fresh air left?. I sat numbly. I can't moved. It seems like I just lost my motivation to be alive. Two guys carried the dead mother outside. To be buried. With hundreds of other people.

~to be continued~

back...

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 08:50:54 GMT

It's been a while since I wrote something here.

After been sick for almost 1 week, I finally fully recovered. I hated it when I am sick. I can't do anything much. I've lost a little bit of my weigh. For 3 days I've been eating bread only. I can't eat anything else because I felt like vomitting. I drank so much of 100 Plus. I've lost track how many bottles I've drank.

And work has been starting to catch up. Just too many things that I have to do. Sucky but that's life.

I can't wait for my long needed vacation. Still have 3 months plus to go. :)